Kikuyu translator needed.. what does this mean???

Kilimani moms uncensored:

ths morng i almost begged tha earth to swallow me mzima mzima… i was preparing breakfast when a message bippd en since i was expectng a call frm a client.. i requested my husband to read it for me…he insisted i wipe my hands en check it maself bt macaitan zangu zikainsist anisomee…he checked tha text bt i cud see his facial expression( 😕) bt i thot ameona kadeal ka client wangu kameingiana.. nie reke ngwire! he went ahead en read loudly(waitina.. ma wanyimire noe piyo piyo.. njira ma ngaguthica ri) gosh smebody translate this in a language that ul all understand. ok my dh is nt a sapere so he cudnt get tha words clearly bt he tried kushikanisha bt i twisted tha story. nw wats worryng me is that he forwarded the text to his phne…aki who has ever received such a text frm our kikuyu brothers….ata kama ni kukatia jameni.. those words!!!